No Brakes Valet

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[[Written for the Choosatron|http://choosatron.com]]

The soft, exciting grip of the leather wheel and shifter, rumble of the engine, the power that seems to consume you...your eyes open. You aren't a racer anymore, but you were the best. Were. In the past. Has-been. Now it's your first day as a parking valet, and your first car approaches. You feel like you might vomit. [[Vomit.|2A]] [[Swallow.|2B]]

A tall gentlemen steps out of his Porsche 911 GT3, his face perfectly unshaven and sunglasses despite the fact that it's ten at night. He looks at you for a moment, recognizing the way you gesture for the keys and tosses them. "Hey, aren't you...?" [["Sorry, I get that all the time."|4B]] [["Yeah, that's me."|4C]]

His left eyebrow ascends slightly, "Oh? What happened?" You let your stone wall open for a brief moment, but tears almost immediately start welling. You begin to will them back into your swelling tear ducts, but you've exceeded your capacity for controlling your autonomic functions, despite the years of training in the mountains with a monk. No longer focusing on keeping your stomach settled, you vomit all over the kind gentleman and his sweet car.

You take it slow, enjoying the increasing rumble. As you reach the main parking lot you turn around the first group of cars, but notice your gentle application of the breaks doesn't seem to help. [[Gun it!|5C]] [[Find something gentle to run into.|6D]]

He tosses the keys to you, and you hold a ticket out for him to grab. [[<append>|4A]]

You fight the urge to merge with the car and really drive. Once you reach the parking lot your spirit breaks form the juxtaposition of sitting in such a powerful car, and allowing yourself to be crushed into being normal. You let your foot push down on the brake, but notice nothing reacts. "Who cares?" you think. You sit in the car, and let it slow, eventually crunching into another car, breaking a window and ruining the fender. YOU ARE DEPRESSED

Without hesitation, your foot says 'hello' to the floor and the engines roars to life! You feel great, but as you approach the parking lot cars and tap the break, nothing happens. You press harder but still nothing. The cluster of cars gets closer. [[Attempt to drift using the emergency break.|6A]] [[Put'er into turbo and try to skip the pavement.|6C]] [[Tuck and roll out of the car.|6B]]

You refuse to completely give up on who you are, and allow yourself the satisfaction of your foot joining the gas pedal, getting familiar fast. You feel great, but as you approach the parking lot cars and tap the break, nothing happens. You press harder but still nothing. The cluster of cars gets closer. [[Tuck and roll out of the car.|6B]] [[Attempt to drift using the emergency break.|6A]]

Your eyes dart around to find a spot, but this part of the lot is full and your speed it making it pretty hard to spot anything you could slide into. You realize the end of the line is coming up quick and you don't enough room to drift this close. Pulling the car into a spin you end up with the backend over the cement curb, back wheels spinning in air. YOU SUCK AT PARKING

You gun it again and turn hard, drifting around a corner. Ahead is a block of parking with more parking options, if you can manage to reduce speed a bit and slide into a spot. [[Use the emergency break to slide into a spot.|8B]] [[Do another lap drifting.|8A]]

Once again you pull the wheel hard and cause the tires to slip so the car drifts around the corner. It's even easier to find a good spot at this speed. [[Use the emergency break to slide into a spot.|AB]] [[Do another lap drifting.|AA]]

You yank the emergency brake, and go into a perfect controlled spin right into a nearby spot. Time moves slowly as you remember your Master Monks teachings, like "You do not shift the car, it shifts you." and other shit like that. You are one with the car as it slides into the space missing another car by inches, and comes to a halt perfectly parallel. AFter the weekend, one of the other valets manages to copy the CCTV footage from the parking lot of your incredible parking job. Within a day it has over a hundred-thousand views on YouTube, and only grows from there! You become known as "No Brakes Valet" around the world. Your first day ends up being your last, and you are overwhelmed with offers to drive professionally, including a movie deal called "No Brakes in 60 seconds". YOU PARK LIKE A BOSS

No Brakes Valet

He seems to forget his own question and grabs the ticket with a smile and nod. You walk around to the drivers side and sit in the seat, which feels more like a womb. For a moment you feel safe, and home. The car starts with a purr and growl and you accelerate around the corner towards the parking lot. [[Pedal to the metal!|4D]] [[Enjoy the familiarity.|4E]]

You twist the wheel hard with just a brief shot of gas to drift around the corner. You've managed to reduce speed a bit as you glide down another section of cars. [[Do another lap drifting.|9A]] [[Use the emergency break to slide into a spot.|AB]]

You yank the emergency break and go into a controlled spin, right towards a nearby spot. Unforunately you've lost so much momentum from driving in circles that the car screeches to a halt halfway into the parking spot. No cars were injured, but hardly a pro move. YOU LACK RIGHT ANGLES

You decide not to resist the urge and lean into a fern guarding the entrance to the hotel. You want to feel grateful to your cousin for the job, but after driving in front of thousands...at that thought it rushes up your esophagus and out. You heave a second time and feel much better, wiping the sick from the corners of your mouth just in time. [["I can take your keys sir."|3A]] [["Right here buddy.", open palm held up.|3B]]

You tense your bowels, and swallow hard, forcing the sick back down into your belly. It churns, but your face is marble, giving nothing away. A tall gentlemen steps out of his Porsche 911 GT3, his face perfectly unshaven and sunglasses despite the late hour. He tosses the keys to you and you instinctively hold your right arm up at a right angle, palm open and catch them. He cocks his head, "Aren't you that-" [["I used to be."|3C]] [["Thank you sir, here's your ticket."|3D]]

You hit the gas and the sudden additional g's remind you of your unsettled stomach, but it's too late. You tap the break to try and hold it in, but nothing happens, which only adds to the sickening feeling. Everything goes black. You wake up over a curb, vomit having painted the interior of the car like a foul Jackson Pollock. YOU NEED STICHES - GET HELP

You let your mind wander to the last time you raced this exact car. Although you don't feel the urge to vomit, a dark cloud passes over you as you remember the details of 'the event'. Your grip tightens on the wheel, foot pressing further onto the gas, heading straight for a pack of parked cars. You let out a guttural scream and turn the wheel tightly, slamming into the set of cars at a parallel. The sound of metal and glass is overwhelming, and then nothing. The car, though a complete wreck, is perfectly parked into a spot. You remain in critical condition for a few weeks, but eventually come back to work where they start calling you "No Brakes Valet", though not as a term of endearment. YOU ARE AN ANIMAL

"Huh, spitting image. Oh well." He grabs the valet ticket and saunters inside for what is sure to be a better evening than you are going to have. [[<append>|4A]]

"Incredible. I'm a huge fan, really. I've seen you drive this beauty.", nodding over his shoulder, "You know, I've got the turbo kit under the hood...feel free to push her a little!" he winks at you. You hand him the ticket and a few moments later you are sitting in the womb-like seat of the car, and it feels like home. You drive around the corner and a beautiful straight-away stretches before you. "Turbo-kit huh..." [[Give it all you've got.|5C]] [[Tease it a bit.|5D]]

Moments later, you are sitting in the womb-like seat of his GT3, comfortable and safe. After enjoying a few moments of its powerful purr, you shift smoothly into gear and head around the corner towards the parking lot. A beautiful straight-away stretches before you, enough to get up to speed and enjoy this god-like beast of a machine before settling it in for the night. [[Give in to your instincts.|5B]] [[Summon your monk training and stay in control.|5A]]

You pull the brake but realize you hadn't really thought out where you were going to take all this momentum. To begin a controlled slide and end up awkwardly parked blocking a few other cars in. THIS IS AWKWARD

You take a quick breath, exhale, then click the door open and roll out onto the road. The car barrels on without you, and strikes the mid-section of a parked car dead on, triggering an action-movie style explosion that singes your arm hair as you shield your face once coming to a stop. You're ok, but it's going to be one hell of an insurance claim. WAY TO GO STUNTMAN

You push the metal beast as hard as she'll ride, the tires momentarily loosing traction and skipping across the ground. Summoning all your experience and training, you jack the wheel before the renewed traction and manage to aim the speeding bullet towards an empty area of the lot, buying more time. [[Ease up and hit it again!|7C]] [[Take the opportunity to pick a spot to park.|7D]]

You panic and look around for something to consume the momentum of the car. There is a set of hedges that look cushy, so you aim for those. The car crunches through the hedges, eventually coming to a stop, twigs and leaves all over the windshield. You think about your cowardly actions and really do believe you'll never race again. YOU ARE A COWARD

You've done maneuvers like this before, and after yanking the emergency brake you're able to spin the car into a parking space, but unfortunately you still had too much momentum so the car keeps going and slams hard into the neighboring car. You parked it, but a couple owners are going to be pissed! YOU LIKE IT ROUGH

[[Jerry Belich|https://jerrytron.com]] ([[@j3rrytron|https://twitter.com/j3rrytron]]) based on the game by Justin Smith